PORT ARTHUR — A whistle blower working at Motiva Refinery in Port Arthur Texas revealed via leaked documents that gasoline prices in the United States are controlled by oil barons pet hamsters. The documents detailed how the public has been led to believe that these swings in prices were determined by the current sitting president through a series of complex misinformation campaigns executed by big oil actors.
The reality is much darker, a system in which barons take turns releasing their adorable hamsters on a wheel, scream “BIG MONEY!”, and record the price per gallon the wheel ends on after the small mammal eventually dies from exhaustion.
Jeff Rinker, who is the current president and CEO of Motiva tweeted that: “These allegations are absolutely not true, and once I have a chance to speak with my Saudi overlords I will have a full sentence to put together. Thank you. I’m sorry.”
Salamander Roosevelt, a local to Port Arthur and harsh critic of anyone who is not Donald Trump long believed that blame for hikes in gas belonged to Democratic Presidents. “I guess they got me, what can I say? I’ve been blaming Sleepy Joe for years and turns out it’s just some self absorbed out of touch billionaire taking advantage of me.”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is currently filing lawsuits against oil companies arguing that while the mammals are not being explicitly abused, they are “being exercised too rigorously” and should be given “adequate breaks, hydration, and recovery between wheel time.” The lawsuit is expected to be contested by oil interests until the non-profit runs out of money.
Following the leak, refineries across the country have been attempting to secretly release their hamsters into the wild under the cover of darkness, but residents have caught them in the act on various occasions. Stanley Wilderberry, a self proclaimed swamp guide and alligator rider in Garyville Louisiana told local news stations that he witnessed a horde of hamsters near his favorite swamp stump. “Ya wouldn’t believe it! There I was sitting in my gator watchin’ spot and lord as my witness a hundred hamsters scurried right on by me! It ain’t right, it ain’t natural, and it’s kind of freakin’ me out man!”
As of today an estimated 14,000 hamsters are now roaming ecosystems previously untouched by their cute little paws. There currently is no data to project the effects this influx of furry little fuzz-balls will have on them.
