Politics

Biden leaves White House to settle score with old gang

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced Monday that he would be taking an indefinite leave of absence from his presidential duties to “settle the score” with members of The Feral Devils motorcycle club that he rode with back in 1994.

“The past always catches up with you eventually.” Biden told reporters. 

Feral Devils, a club known for its controversial acts of vigilantism on commuter trains has recently called upon Biden (known as Knuckles to members) to “show his ugly mug or else.” This marks the first time in history a sitting president left office to curb stomp a motherfucker.

“You should have seen Knuckles back in the day man, he was wild. I once saw him deck some kid because they wouldn’t give up their seat to an elderly lady.” Burnout said when asked about Biden’s involvement in the gang. “I know he’s some big shot now with fancy cars and houses, but I am still really angry about that time he spilled my beer at the bar.”

“Look, I did things I am not proud of. But who hasn’t body slammed a guy for taking up two seats on a packed train before?” Biden insisted, recalling that his days in the club were “alcohol and cocaine fueled parties that always ended with me punching a guy” and “danced with the most incredible women.”

Biden indicated that he was prepared to “put the fear of god” into Burnout for disrespecting a him. “I spilled his beer, big deal. If he thinks he can run his mouth 28 years later to old Knuckles then he has another thing coming his way. That thing being my knuckle dusters.”

Vice President Kamala Harris said she would oversee daily White House operations while Biden kicks ass and takes names. “I don’t condone the Presidents past behavior with the club, but if I know one thing about him it’s that he won’t take shit from any buster or guy.”

A watchdog group raised concerns that this beating of a lifetime could potentially cost taxpayers millions of dollars. Citing that the cost of Secret Service alone may be in the hundreds of thousands. They also pointed out that Biden promising to “hook Burnout up to a car battery and fry him like a squirrel” might be a constitutional crisis in the making.

One voter tweeted that they worried any injuries to the President during his John Wick- esque revenge would leave him unable to claim workers compensation benefits. “What if he slips trying to shove a nail under Burnout’s fingernail? Can he still get coverage?”

Knuckles was seen riding his hog off White House grounds this afternoon blasting AC/DC’s song “Highway To Hell”. When turning onto the open road onlookers heard him yell “I’M BACK BABY!” As he revved his engine and disappeared onto the horizon.