The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) will likely have you conjuring up images of sadness, agony, and the steady but inevitable decline of our species. Which is why I’d like to take a moment to share some tasty ideas that could change our views on this rundown insane asylum.
My proposal would be to create a pipeline for filing driver complaints. Imagine for a moment, someone cut you off while they were live tweeting the bachelor, flying down the interstate at ninety miles per hour. You’d be mad, right? With this new system you would be able to use their license plate number and report them. This would add one “mark” to their driving profile.
Marks will be the metric used to annually track how a driver is integrating into society while on the road. Safeguards will be implemented to prevent mass reporting using geographical data and time-based analysis. Since you will need a drivers license to participate in this program it will be used as another validation method to ensure the report is accurate. There will also be an appeal system, but there are no promises here due to the resources required or the DMV employee reviewing them. Perhaps you had a bee in your car and suddenly swerved – this would be an example of a mark you could attempt to appeal.
If a driver reaches various thresholds of marks against them it will trigger various outcomes outlined below. Marks are reset to 0 annually:
0 – 2 (marks) : The starting point for all drivers regardless of driving history is 0. If you maintain this range of marks annually you are eligible for several compensations. These would include an array of incentives. Free renewals, free registration on future vehicles, mileage deductions regardless of tax status, the list could go on here. In short, things the state and government could do to incentivize safe driving.
3 – 5 : You are no longer eligible for any of the benefits listed above. Sure, maybe you made a few mistakes throughout the year but that’s your problem – not ours. Maybe you’ll try just a little bit harder next year.
6 – 15 : Society has deemed you a menace. Is it fair? Probably. Maybe you never had someone to teach you how to drive properly. Congratulations, you’ve landed in a tier that will provide you with 3 free driving lessons paid for by the state. Take your newfound knowledge on how to not be a twat and use it next year.
16 – 30 : Wow. You really are a muppet and driving lessons didn’t help. Your drivers license has been revoked for 4 weeks. Think about what a turd you are while riding your bike or the bus to work for the next month. Although, you could just do that all the time if you are able to – it’s kind of great for the environment.
30 – 50 : Same as above, except your license is now revoked for 6 months. Come on, get your shit together! Your whole driving life is ahead of you!
50 – 100+: License is revoked for the rest of the calendar year. But on the bright side reaching this tier has now made you eligible for “Worst Driver of the Year”, read more on that below you Goodwill Paul Walker.
So you’ve landed yourself in the running for worst driver of the year, not what your mother would have wished you to be known for but here we are. You’ve cut people off, ran red lights, and made our streets unsafe. It’s time for revenge! At the end of the year, by county, the driver with the most marks against them will be publicly humiliated. Using fruits and vegetables that have gone bad due to climate change, people will have the opportunity to throw them at you, call you names, and get all that road rage out leading into the new year – a fresh start!
I can hear you now all now, “but Idea Eaterrrrrr, what if it’s an elderly or disabled personnnnn!”
First of all, if you are old or disabled and cannot drive safely you shouldn’t be on the road in the first place. But fear not, with the worst driver replacement form you can stand in for grandma yourself. So go for it brave and courageous keyboard warriors! This is your chance to shine.
Sure this isn’t flushed out or cohesive, but it probably made you think about your local DMV again didn’t it? How enjoyable would it be to throw a rotten eggplant at Jerry down the street who almost ran your kid over. Pretty. Damn. Enjoyable.
