NEW ORLEANS — A colony of demodex mites are celebrating the end of a four year drought that has ravaged the landscape they call home. Their home is the face of New Orleans man Phillip Goosè, who for four years has not showered, stepped out into the rain, or shed a single tear.
“This drought has been etched into our history. Nearly fifty generations of mites have lived and died under these conditions. The mite children today have a hope for a better, cleaner, and more moist future.” Wolfgang, the spokesperson for the mite community shared via Twitter.
Goosè, a video game tester said that due to stress at work and his longtime girlfriend leaving him that he fell into a deep depression and hadn’t been taking care of himself for years now.
“Finally took a shower, cleaned out the house, got some new clothes and I’m feeling a lot better. I’m looking forward to the future, and send my sincerest apologies to the mites living on my face. It wasn’t right to make my problems their problems. It was self-serving and I hope we can mend this relationship going forward.”
New Orleans based activist group MiteToo leaned into the story claiming that mite rights have been ignored for almost the entire history of our species.
“I think it’s time we looked into the rights of these mites. Shouldn’t they have a say in the products we apply to our face? The cosmetic and self-care industries do not take into account how their products affect the mites burrowing into our skin. I think people are ready to have that conversation.”
Scientists estimate that the average human has over one million mites living on them.
