SPRINGDALE — Tyson Foods is being accused of silencing conservative chicken voices by Freedom Caucus members in Congress.
A trove of internal company documents were leaked online by an anonymous whistleblower posting under the pseudonym @CluckCluckBoebert. Among these documents were emails detailing how executives routinely attempted to turn conservative chickens into “McNuggets” and “a stupid air chilled fillet.”
“This is the most disturbing case of conservative voices being pushed out of the conversation to date.” Rep. Paul Goser (R-AZ) declared in an interview with The Daily Rabble.
Tyson Foods quickly released a press statement countering the allegations: “They are chickens. There is absolutely no truth to the claim that we have bias when deciding which ones to shove into a cage, treat inhumanly, and eventually slaughter for your enjoyment.”
“We don’t even know our chickens political alignment dude!” Timmy Theodore insisted, whose role in the company is processing poultry. “A cluck is a cluck and I don’t give a fuck.”
Rep. Scott Perry (R-PA) indicated that there are telltale signs a chicken is right-leaning. “Oh you can definitely tell. Here are a few just off the top of my head… a chicken tries to throw out pecking order votes, tries to disenfranchise other chickens based off their feather colors, and gets mad when other chickens get to eat for free.”
A Giddy-up poll showed that the majority of Americans couldn’t care less which direction their poultry leaned politically when eating it. While 23% said that they would prefer not to eat a right-leaning chicken – 77% did not have a preference and that “with proper seasoning they could all be delicious.”
Tyson Foods is currently fighting the subpoena in courts.
