WASHINGTON — Senior Pentagon official Gorzar Woklep confirmed rumors that UFOs are indeed just a figment of our imagination during a Pentagon press release this morning.
Woklep disclosed intelligence reports that showed UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects) and UAPs (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena) have been classified into three categories:
- Low orbit human machines.
- Definitely a human controlled balloon to monitor the weather for other human beings on earth.
- Not a Death Bringer Mark II with custom antigravity propulsion in saucer silver, but something else relatable to humans.
“Look, it was fun while it lasted right? But it’s time we focus on what really matters – making sure human beings increase their fat content to a delicious life sustaining level.”
This revelation comes shortly after the FDA’s new ban on any “diet versions” of food and beverages, including favorites like Diet Coke, Diet Twinkies, and Diet Fried Chicken.
Woklep continued by stating that “Humans have spent too much time watching UFO videos on YouTube” when they should be “slamming Big Gulps like King Ba’tor at the feast of a thousand tears.”
He urgently called for all earth residents to put down their vegetables and try to plump up before they are eventually harvested for their fat content in the upcoming invasion.
A small fringe group know as the Clean Livers have taken credit for recent acts of domestic terrorism against the administration. Sources confirmed that the group had replaced all the snacks in the Pentagon vending machine with a healthy and balanced Mediterranean diet.
We were able to talk to one Pentagon employee who was working the day of the attack. “It was a completely normal day. I had just started my break between drone strikes and needed a pick me up, a doughnut stuffed with gravy is my go-to. But when I got there all I could find was legumes and a bunch of nuts!” They shared, pulling a trauma blanket closer “I wouldn’t wish this on any of the impoverished countries I’m tasked with bombing.” Due to low blood sugar, the interview was cut short.
This story is currently breaking and will be updated…
