PASADENA — The Center for Near-Earth Object Studies (CNEOS) at Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) announced that regrettably an asteroid previously on an impact course with earth will swing by our planet by an estimated 100,000 miles.
“It’s disappointing to say the least” JPL spokesman Buzz Whitaker said dejected. “I know a lot of us here at JPL and around the world were looking forward to that sweet release from our miserable lives.”
This is not the first case of a terrestrial object nearly ending our pathetic and mundane existence. Last year NASA reported that we almost “got lucky” 2,432 times before objects suddenly veered away from earth, seemingly taunting us with a good time.
One of the astrophysicists tasked with tracking these objects told reporters that “It makes you think doesn’t it… is there some omnipotent being just fucking with us? Just do it already, Jesus Christ!”
Following the latest world ending letdown, NASA/JPL promised to do it themselves if the next asteroid misses.
“If we are not put out of our misery on this next one there are contingencies in place.” Whitaker stated. “We’ve installed millions of rocket boosters subterranean across the state of Florida. The science shows that by launching the embodiment of human decline into space, it will gradually reenter the earths atmosphere over the next two years simulating an EEEK (Earth Ending Event is Kismet).”
As of writing this article a reported 1,246 objects are marked by NASA as potential candidates to end this shit already.
