PALM BEACH — Former President Donald J. Trump has found himself caught up in a bizarre culinary caper at his luxurious Mar-a-Lago club. The federal indictment claims that Trump, in a desperate attempt to dispose of classified government documents before an impending FBI raid, resorted to an unconventional method: “devouring the top-secret paperwork.” The indictment…
WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of strategic political maneuvering, Republicans across the country have decided to double down on their rejection of education in order to solidify their voting base. Uniting under the motto “Knowledge is for the Weak” the GOP has taken an unprecedented stance against learning, proving once and for all that…
MINNEAPOLIS — Target (also known as “Tar-zhay” to those who think it sounds cool) has faced significant backlash over its release of LGBTQ friendly merchandise. The company announced Tuesday that it would be pulling the line immediately due to safety concerns for its 440,000 employees who have been subject to violence, harassment, and abuse over…
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced Monday that he would be taking an indefinite leave of absence from his presidential duties to “settle the score” with members of The Feral Devils motorcycle club that he rode with back in 1994. “The past always catches up with you eventually.” Biden told reporters. Feral Devils, a club known…
SPRINGDALE — Tyson Foods is being accused of silencing conservative chicken voices by Freedom Caucus members in Congress. A trove of internal company documents were leaked online by an anonymous whistleblower posting under the pseudonym @CluckCluckBoebert. Among these documents were emails detailing how executives routinely attempted to turn conservative chickens into “McNuggets” and “a stupid…
WASHINGTON — Sources confirmed that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) disguised herself as an old woman and attempted to cast votes posing as Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in The Senate this afternoon. Feinstein, who sits on the Judiciary Committee has been on medical leave battling shingles. This has left Senate Democrats unable to push through judicial…
WASHINGTON — House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has been in a high stakes stand-off within his own party on a controversial last minute change to the debt ceiling legislation. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene R-GA who was still awake sending hate mail to school shooting survivors confirmed reports that McCarthy had texted the entire House his…
United States — After Proud Boys chairman Enrique Tarrio, along with other members were found guilty of seditious conspiracy this morning for their involvement in the January 6th insurrection, leadership unanimously passed a vote to rename the organization “Proud Lads”. “We wanted to change how we are perceived by others” one board member stated. “I…
WASHINGTON — Senior Pentagon official Gorzar Woklep confirmed rumors that UFOs are indeed just a figment of our imagination during a Pentagon press release this morning. Woklep disclosed intelligence reports that showed UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects) and UAPs (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena) have been classified into three categories: “Look, it was fun while it lasted right?…
BURLINGTON — Reporters caught up with the Vermont Senator this afternoon after receiving several tips that Sanders had been seen departing his Burlington home with a large backpack and trekking poles. The Senator had traveled several hundred feet into the wooded area that surrounds his estate when news outlets first made contact. After being questioned…
