The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) will likely have you conjuring up images of sadness, agony, and the steady but inevitable decline of our species. Which is why I’d like to take a moment to share some tasty ideas that could change our views on this rundown insane asylum. My proposal would be to create…
NEW ORLEANS — A colony of demodex mites are celebrating the end of a four year drought that has ravaged the landscape they call home. Their home is the face of New Orleans man Phillip Goosè, who for four years has not showered, stepped out into the rain, or shed a single tear. “This drought…
PALM BEACH — Former President Donald J. Trump has found himself caught up in a bizarre culinary caper at his luxurious Mar-a-Lago club. The federal indictment claims that Trump, in a desperate attempt to dispose of classified government documents before an impending FBI raid, resorted to an unconventional method: “devouring the top-secret paperwork.” The indictment…
WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of strategic political maneuvering, Republicans across the country have decided to double down on their rejection of education in order to solidify their voting base. Uniting under the motto “Knowledge is for the Weak” the GOP has taken an unprecedented stance against learning, proving once and for all that…
In an unexpected turn of events, the ultimate celestial battle is set to take place as Satan, the infernal ruler of the underworld, has filed a lawsuit against none other than God Himself for defamation. The courtroom of Heaven is buzzing with anticipation, as angels and demons alike await the shit show that promises to…
PASADENA — Texas based group WEINER (Wisdom Everyone Inhabiting No-Earth Requires) is a radical organization that challenges the widely accepted belief in the existence of planet Earth. Founded by a diverse range of individuals from various public parks, forests, and rural Midwest towns, WEINER members subscribe to the belief that the Earth is an elaborate…
MINNEAPOLIS — Target (also known as “Tar-zhay” to those who think it sounds cool) has faced significant backlash over its release of LGBTQ friendly merchandise. The company announced Tuesday that it would be pulling the line immediately due to safety concerns for its 440,000 employees who have been subject to violence, harassment, and abuse over…
PORT ARTHUR — A whistle blower working at Motiva Refinery in Port Arthur Texas revealed via leaked documents that gasoline prices in the United States are controlled by oil barons pet hamsters. The documents detailed how the public has been led to believe that these swings in prices were determined by the current sitting president…
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced Monday that he would be taking an indefinite leave of absence from his presidential duties to “settle the score” with members of The Feral Devils motorcycle club that he rode with back in 1994. “The past always catches up with you eventually.” Biden told reporters. Feral Devils, a club known…
TRI-COUNTY — Wheezy, the beloved squeaky penguin from Toy Story 2 dropped the bombshell today that he wasn’t shelved by Andy’s mom, but Woody himself. Stan Tapioca, the lawyer representing Wheezy spoke to a group of journalists outside the San Francisco Superior Courthouse Friday morning. “False imprisonment, assault, defamation. That is what we are talking…
